SCRIPT SUBMISSION: The nightmare

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surrenderdorathy
Member
Posts: 357

SCRIPT SUBMISSION: The nightmare

Post by surrenderdorathy »

Hello, Thank you for taking the time to read this script I've been working on. It's my first time writing a script. I don't really know what I'm doing so expect this to have an amateur feel to it.....a really amateur feel to it but, don't skip on any criticisms. I want to improve. Please share any ideas or changes I should make. Also I had a few conceptual photos I wanted to put in but, I just couldn't figure out this sites interface. If an artist wanted to turn this into a comic that would be cool too. Thank you again for taking the time to read. Hope you enjoy

We open upon a New York city skyline. The next panel shows a small single storied fast food joint that totally isn't McDonalds. Inside we see a packed counter of angry and frustrated customers. their focus and attention is directed at a young girl with a buttoned up shirt and a visor that totally isn't the McDonalds uniform, and a little name tag marked Julia. She's a brunet with a petite build and a cute innocent face. (Think Summer Glau.)

She looks panicked as she tries to meet the customers needs.
"There are no pickles on my burger!!!"
"My meal was supposed to come with a beverage!!"
"How much longer is this going to take?!!" The customers yell.

"I'm sorry!" says Julia still panicked but sincere.

We cut away. It's later in the evening and everything has calmed down. Julia is in the middle of talks with her manager.

"Julia you really screwed up taking peoples orders today, I know you're a good kid but this is the third time this has happened. This job just isn't for you." says the Manager.

"No, please Sir. I need this job to pay for my ballerina classes. I dropped everything to come to New York." Julia

"You and 1 million other people honey. If you don't improve I will let you go. No sob story is going to save you." Manager

"Yes Sir, I'll do my best."

We then cut to a ballerina studio the next day. Several girls are in a line stretching. We then see Julia standing on her tip toes balancing a book on her head, in front of her Madam instructor.

"Remember girls books are for posture training only." Madam Instructor

Julia struggles to keep her balance and the book slides off her head.

"Dammit girl your hopeless!" Madam Instructor

"I'm sorry Madam." Julia

"You'll never make it as a ballerina, you're worthless." Madam Instructor

Julia begins to cry and walks out of the studio. We cut to a bar. It's late in the evening, the place is packed with people drinking and dancing. We find Julia sitting alone. No one notices her or pays any attention, all except one. A woman across the bar is staring directly at her. It takes Julia a moment to notice. This woman is very intimidating but beautiful. she has a high society goth look to her. (Think January Seraph/Cybill Troy) After a few moments Julia decides that she can't take the woman's staring anymore and runs out of the bar. We then focus on the woman at the bar. She smirks and then pulls out a cell phone.

"Hello Madam, I've made up my mind. I've decided to take you up on you offer. Yes, I'm sure. How about tonight. Excellent." Says the woman on her phone.

We cut to Julia walking down a dark street. Her phone rings from a text message. It reads

Julia, I'm sorry for the harsh words from earlier. after due consideration I think I've found a position that would be quite suitable for you. Please come to the studio immediately. This offer expires tomorrow. -M

A smile of joy washes over her face and she runs off to the studio. When she arrives the lights are all off and it's very difficult to see. Julia wanders into the center of the studio.

"Hello!, Madam!" Julia

"Hello, Julia." says the madam reveling herself to be sitting in a chair.

"I just got your text and came right over." Julia

"Yes,my dear I've decided that you're not meant to be a ballerina. No, I think a life of servitude is much more appropriate for someone of your...standing." Madam Instructor

"I don't understand" says Julia confused.

"I've decided to sell you to trusted associate of mine. She's coming to pick you up any moment now." Madam Instructor

"Sell me?" Julia

"As her slave you dullard." Madam Instructor

"Your crazy and cruel Madam!" Julia yells as she turns around to run out the door.

She bumps into a figure standing in the doorway. It's the woman from the bar. She grabs Julia's neck violently. The pulls a collar and ball gag out of her pocket.

"Will you assist me Madam." says the woman from the bar to the ballerina instructor.

The instructor stands up and helps the woman apply the collar and gag to Julia. They then begin to remove her cloths and bind her hands behind her back and chain her ankles together with just enough slack to make tiny steps. The woman then puts her finger through the ring in her collar and violently jerks Julia's head to meet her gaze.

"I'm your mistress, you are my property now. You will refer to me as Mistress Zerina." says Zerina with evil look of satisfaction on her face.

"Der Albtraum thanks you for you services." Says Zerina to the Madam handing her a envelope full of cash.

"Always a pleasure." replies the Madam.

Zerina attaches a leash to Julia's collar and pulls her along out the door to the street in front of the street where a car with an ejected trunk is waiting for them. Zerina is about to start forcing Julia into the trunk when a police officer descends upon them. A light of hope fills Julia's eyes, she's saved, she thinks to herself.

"Can I help you with that Mistress?" says the cop

"Of course." says Zerina

The officer begins to force Julia into the trunk, as a look of shock takes Julia's face. Once she's secured in the trunk Zerina hands the officer another envelope full of money.

"As always Der Albtraum thanks you for your none interference." Zerina

The trunk slams shut and the next panel is black.

We then see several quick panels of Julia being pulled out of the trunk then into a crate then loaded onto a plane.

We then see Julia unconscious with a ring gag in her mouth in a dungeon on the floor with her arms in a bondage arm binder, and ankles still bound together. As she begins to wake up she realizes Mistress Zerina is standing over her. Zerina is dressed in a sexy all black latex set bra, panties, garter belt and thigh high boots with a horse crop in one hand. Without exchanging any words she immediately starts to violently strike Julia all over her body.

"Get use to the pain slut!"
"You're going to learn to accept pain as a normal part of your life."

Zarina then brings one of her boots down right in from of Julia's face.

"You're going to learn discipline and obedience. That starts with pleasing your mistress and doing as your told. Lick my boots slave!"

Julia looks at her boots with confusion. Zarina strikes her on the ass. Julia screams.

"You'll also learn that if you fail to complete a task you get pain!"

Zarina strikes Julia on the ass again. After a moment to process the pain Julia begins to fearfully lick Zarina's boots.

"But, if you please your mistress you'll get rewarded.....with pleasure."

Zarina bends down to grope Julia's exposed breasts. Julia unable to pull her self away closes her eyes in shame wishing it was all a nightmare.

"Now, lets continue your training. I'll put your skills as a ballerina to good use."

We then cut to Julia. She's now standing up wearing black boots with heels so high that the wearer is forced to stand on the tips of her toes. She has crotchless black latex panties that meet a very constricting corset that runs from her waist to just below her breasts. Her breasts are exposed. She's still in the arm binder. A posture collar covers her neck. There is no way she can turn her head without moving her entire body. A ring gag in her mouth. Her hair is in a pony tail tied to a rope attached to an anal hook inserted in her ass. There is no slack in the rope at all.

"I don't know why you look so sad. When I'm done with you you'll have the attention of presidents, kings, and billion dollar CEO's." "Isn't that what you wanted?" "To be admired?" "To be wanted?" Zarina

Zarina attaches clamps to Julia's nipples then gently begins to tug on them.

"Walk for me now slave."

Julia begins to tread carefully along, trying not to stumble and fall.

"If you fall you'll get the whip again, you don't want that do you?"

Julia successfully navigates the floor.

"Very good slave, now for your reward."

Zarina presses a vibrator against Julia's pussy. Julia is disgusted by the whole scenario but she can't help how good the vibrations feel on her clit. It was certainly better then the constant pain she'd been feeling since her abduction. I wasn't long before she surrendered to her body and and orgasm swept through her like an awesome wave.

"You're a little whore! That hardly took anytime at all." Zarina said with a devious smile. "It wont be long before you're ready for your new life."

Some time latter we cut to a grand red ballroom filled with masked people, men and woman. Some are dressed modestly suits/dresses some are dressed in sexy lingerie. They stand around drinking wine and performing acts of debauchery. They are waited on by sexy rubber maids, Their hands are bound by cuffs that attach to corsets. They can move their hands enough to pick up and hand the guest drinks. Mouths are gagged. There are several dominatrixs in the crowd policing the maids making sure they don't waver in their duties. As the party goes on Mistress Zarina enters the room pulling Julia by a leash. Zarina is wearing sexy latex lingerie. Julia is wearing a latex maid suit similar to the rest of the maids. Zarina makes her way to a chair at the end of the room all the while Julia struggles not to fall over in her ballerina boots. When Zarina arrives at the chair Julia stops by the right side and stairs forward. Zarina raises her glass to the guest. They raise theirs as well.

"Thank you all for coming to celebrate Der Albtraum's successful acquisition of Iran's oilfields,another jewel in our empire's crown. Please enjoy our organizations assets to your full amusement."
Zarina looks over to Julia.

"Our newest slave ready entertain you."

Zarina pulls Julia along the leash into the crowd. They stop in front of a man sitting on a couch.
"Would you like to have our slave suck your cock sir?"

"Yes, indeed." says the man.

Zarina takes the gag out of Julia's mouth. "Do you want to please you mistress?"

"Yes Mistress."Julia

Zarina grabs the back of Julia's hair and then forces her mouth down on the mans cock. She gags and sucks to her mistresses satisfaction.

"Now sit on that cock whore!" Julia gets off her knees and positions herself over the mans erect cock. Then slowly begins to lower her pussy onto his cock, as she gyrates on his dick another man comes at her from behind and then another man stands over the couch and forces his dick into Julia's mouth. Julia now has all of her holes filled as Zarina watches on in approval.

Later in the evening Julia has been moved to Zarina's private bedroom. Julia is attached to the bed via a chain around her neck. Her arms are bound and wears a blindfold. Zarina is on the bed stroking a strapon as she watches Julia struggle. Zarina stands from the bed and then positions herself behind Julia. She insert her rubber dick inside her.

"You made me proud today slave but, you're not finished yet." Zarina
Zarina thrusts back and forth, Julia squeals in protest.

Zarina and Julia are now on the bed together. Julia is on her belly in a hogtied position with her face pressed against Zarina's pussy. Zarina has a look of ecstasy on her face as she presses Julia's face harder between her thighs.

"YES! yes! you were born to sever weren't you." Zarina

Zarina climaxes and sprays her pussy juice all over Julia's face.

The final frame is a distraught looking bound and gagged Julia being cuddled in bed by a sleeping Zarina.
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Naj
Member
Posts: 262

Re: SCRIPT SUBMISSION: The nightmare

Post by Naj »

I think a lot of porn creators often put "suspension of disbelief" in the backseat in favor of the "money shot" which is understandable, but when plots start to wheel out of control, I have a hard time getting immersed in the story and get jarred out of it a lot. It's all too easy to let one's predilections take over and make an unbelievable scenario purely in favor of furthering a scene and inadvertently putting a fly in the ointment because of it.

One of my favorite lines, from The Big Lebowski oddly enough, is "People forget that the brain is the biggest erogenous zone." I think if people took a little more care to tweak and polish their stories, instead of vomit out a concept in the heat of sexual passion, it might stand up to scrutiny a little better.

Not that I'm directing this criticism at YOU mind, just making a general, open complaint.

I think it's a serviceable script and perfectly fine, though I'd tweak the introduction a bit. The not-McDonalds bit is wholly unnecessary and has nothing to do with the plot and is redundant when Julia displays her incompetence in the classroom. The ballerina classroom has enough material to establish Julia's character sufficiently for us to progress into the main plot. Another minor problem is Zerina's relationship to the ballerina instructor is never established, so when she shows up at the studio after the club sequence, it seems contrived. This would be pretty easy to remedy with just a small dialogue tweak: "Hello Madam. Yes, she seems quite delicious" and then proceed with the rest of the dialogue text.

With this small tweak, it becomes clear (later) that Zerina was directed to observe Julia and assess whether she would fit Zerina's criteria, making the subsequent abduction seem more natural. The way it's phrased in your script makes it seem disconnected, though it's not.

For the most part, though, these are fairly minor. Cutting the not-McDonalds segment saves space for BDSM scenes later, which is better overall. One would be surprised how quickly 40 comic pages get filled up, so one has to make the most of those non-bondage sequences. At least that's how I handle things.
surrenderdorathy
Member
Posts: 357

Re: SCRIPT SUBMISSION: The nightmare

Post by surrenderdorathy »

I'm relieved that your critic was very minor overall and mostly directed at the beginning being none consequential and making the script run to long. It's funny because the whole time I was worried that it was going to be to short. I shall cut it and expand the classroom scene to accommodate for being the new opening. Thank you for bringing the dialogue from the bar scene to my attention as well. Thank you for the comment and the informative feedback. I'm fan of your work and respect your opinion greatly.

I want to end on a profound statement or quote but, your Big Lebowski comment said enough.
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